Tales of an Elf
by Valanya
Summary: The tale of an elf. Legolas, to be specific. Funny, if you have a sense of humor like mine :D Please r&r. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Tales of an Elf 

As the title suggests, this is a tale of an elf. Wait a tick; the title says 'tales'. Plural. Ah well…

****

Disclaimer: I don't own Legolas (wish I did though…) I don't own any other LOTR characters I may put in along the way either.

It was a fine day in middle earth. I know because I happened to be there that particular day. Anyway, it was a fine day and Legolas the Elf was walking through some wood or other (cuz he likes them) when suddenly he was accosted by a bird, who was after his pretty hair for its nest. Legolas being the sensitive little elf that he is threw a tantrum about the three hairs that the bird made off with, and the proceeded to sit on the floor and put his hair up into a net so no other bird would ever get any again.

Just then, for no better reason than that I needed a plot twist, Aragorn came wandering through the woods.

"Hello Legolas, are you sitting there putting your hair into a net so that no birds can get at it again?"

"Yes. Are you wandering through the woods for any particular reason?"

"No, and I'm pretty miffed about it really. I mean, there I was at home, enjoying a nice mid-afternoon nap, suddenly the author comes and plonks me in the middle of this unnamed wood! Not so much as a by-your-leave!"

"I know the feeling, dear friend. Would you like to join me, so we can amble aimlessly while she thinks of some new bit of plot?"

"I wasn't aware that there _was_ any plot, but nonetheless I will join you."

So the two friends wandered for a little while in the anonymous wood. That was, until Legolas tripped over a log and fell down a slope.

"Aaaargh!" 

"Are you alright, Legolas?"

"Yes, I just tripped over a log and fell down a slope, I'm hunky-dory!"

"Well there's no need to be sarcastic!"

"I wasn't."

"Oh. Do you mind if I come down?"

"Feel free."

So Aragorn, not knowing any other way to do it, also tripped over the log and fell down. He landed on a lovely thick bed of leaves, and was just about to lie down and continue his mid-afternoon nap, when Legolas kicked him (on instruction of the author.)

"Whadidya do that for?!"

"The author told me to. She's just thought of a new bit of plot and doesn't appreciate you sleeping through it."

"Oh, sorry!"

Me: "Don't worry about it."

So, anyway, Legolas suddenly realised how fun leaves could be if you gave them a chance, and wasted several minutes playing in them. Eventually, one way or another, they both got out of the leaves and found themselves…in amongst a load more trees.

"Well, gee, _this_ is imaginative" Legolas said, in his stomach-meltingly lovely voice.

"Legolas, could you stop your voice being so stomach-meltingly lovely for a few minutes, I think it's distracting her" 

"But let's face it Aragorn, it is very nice. And _I_ can't help it if she'd rather spend time describing how gorgeous I am rather than getting on with the story can I?"

"Oh shut up, you annoying little elf."

Legolas kicked him again.

"Ow."

"Serves you right."

"I don't like you."

"Good, cos I don't like you either."

Me: Could you guys make up now please? I do have a fanfic to be getting on with.

"I'm sorry Legolas, I didn't mean everything I said!!!"

"Oh, neither did I Aragorn! Let's never fight again!"

Me: Ok, now that's just creepy.

So Legolas and Aragorn hugged, and continued on their way. All of a sudden, and Orc jumped out at them! Legolas and Aragorn patiently waited for the other Orcs. No more came.

"Is that all?" inquired Legolas.

Me: Yup, pretty much.

"Can we kill it, or is it vital for a later bit of plot?"

Me: "How the hell am I supposed to know?"

"I guess I'll just kill it then."

And Legolas raised his bow in a very elfy manner and shot the orc between the eyes. _That_ was when the other 100,000 appeared.

"You lied!" called Aragorn indignantly.

Me: Ha ha ha.

_I will write more (cuz I like writing it) but I need reviews! Please!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: see first page._

So the elf and the man embarked on a furious battle against the 100,000 orcs. Surprisingly, this was not a battle that would alter the world. It made a change. Suddenly Legolas realised he was out of arrows! He began to panic, and started running around in ever-decreasing circles, leaving Aragorn to battle the remaining 60,000, or whatever. Thankfully, with the ever helpful magic of fanfic, Legolas' quiver refilled itself. He stopped running his circles and stared at it in amazement.

"Wow! It's never done that before!"

"That, my dear Legolas, would be because **normally** authors don't let the hero's arrows run out before refilling his quiver! **NORMALLY** they're paying attention and refill it as the battle goes on!

Just then a particularly big and nasty orc rushed up behind Aragorn and knocked him to the ground. It was just raising its weapon to strike a fatal blow when Legolas took it out with a flying kick to the head, before karate chopping it in the neck.

"I never knew you could do that, Legs."

Legolas assumed a dramatic yet mysterious pose. "There are a lot of things you don't know about me Aragorn."

"I know that your dramatic yet mysterious pose was so comical and out of character that you scared all the orcs away."

"Huh?"

"I said…"

"I know what you said, I just didn't understand why."

"That is a mystery to us all, my good elf."

Just then, the woodland scene disappeared and was replaces by…a river bank! Aragorn disconcerted by the sudden change dropped to the ground and began whimpering. Legolas noticed this the very second he stopped trying to throw stones on to the lily pads. It wasn't a very fast flowing river. More like a really long pond, actually.

"Ha ha ha, Aragorn son of Arathorn is lying on the ground crying like a little girl!"

Naturally, Aragorn was very hurt by this remark. He thought he'd been crying in a very manly way.

Suddenly Legolas found himself being rugby tackled by an irate ranger. Aragorn shoved the elf backwards as hard as he could…straight into the river-pond thing.

Legolas surfaced a few seconds later, complete with duckweed in his hair. He jumped of the river thingy and leapt angrily towards Aragorn…

Me: This is getting us nowhere.

The setting changed once more, and they were back in the unnamed wood. Unfortunately, there was no a large tree between Legolas and Aragorn, which Leggy crashed headfirst into.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"

  
"Legolas, are you alright??? Where does it hurt???"

"My head, you stupid human!"

"Ah yes, you have a lump growing there! Now if I just…"

"No, no, don't touch it…AAAARRRRGH!!!"

"Sorry, sorry!"

"No, you're not sorry! You never like me! You hated me being in the Fellowship, because I was a better shot than you! Oooh, look at the dancing pink monkeys!"

Aragorn gave his friend a strange look, and wondered if all elves acted like this when they'd had a bump on the head.

"Legolas, there aren't any monkeys."

"Oh. Oh yeah, they were trees all along!"

"So you're not brain damaged?"

Me: He isn't.

"How would you know?" Legolas asked, staring obstinately up into the sky.

Me: Because I'm the one writing this. And you're looking in the wrong direction.

"I am?"

Me: Yup.

"Oh."

Aragorn sidled up alongside the elf, who was desperately trying to see the author from his position in the fanfic.

"It's no use looking, Legolas. You can never see the author from a fanfic."

"Why not?"

"Dunno. I guess it's just one of those unwritten rules."

"It's a stupid rule. How are you supposed to talk to someone you can't see?"

Me: I can see you.

"YOU'RE WRITING THE DAMN FANFIC, OF COURSE YOU CAN SEE ME!"

Just before I get on to replying to my lovely reviewers, I'd just like to let you know that Leggy and Aragorn read them all too. I'm sure a few notes especially to them would make their day (and make up for them being plonked into this fanfic)

The Vampire Prince - Thanks for your review, up it is keeping!

KairiHakubi981 - It's nice to know somebody has a sense of humor like mine :D

Iraci - Yup, we do most definitely feel like that sometimes, don't we Leggy? Aragorn? "Leave me alone I'm trying to nap...."

Riddle-Child - Thanks! More is here! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Naniel - If you happen to suffocate while reading my fanfics, it is not my responsibility :D Nah, you don't have to pay to be here. Purely optional. Either that or I'm breaking every rule...tee hee.

Inuyasha-chibi - Don't worry. There will be more. As you can see from the fanfic above...but there will be even more after this! There will be more and more and more and more and more and...ok, maybe not that much :D

The Brite One - Don't worry, my weirdness is already maxed out so I can catch no more. Even if it was contagious. Which it isn't. Arry? Like it :D I'll probs put it in the next chapter.

Chibi Lauryn - Aww, thanks! So glad I've made a good impression on you of LOTR fanfics. I'm assuming that I have. Ah well, I do at least know that I made a good impression on my particular fanfic (presuming from the "I loved your fic" bit)

elvesrock - Yay :D No romance will be on its way. Purely comedy. Possibly bad comedy, but comedy nonetheless.


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: See first page._

"Calm down, Legolas! If you're not careful she'll write you out!"

"I doubt it, seeing as I'm the most attractive in this fanfic. So there."

"Vain little elf." Aragorn muttered.

"I **heard** that!"

"You were supposed to."

"Oh, well…it wasn't very nice."

"Sorry Leggy."

"I forgive you. Now, erm…what are we supposed to be doing?"

"Wandering aimlessly as when we first met today?"

"Maybe."

And, once more, they set off through the woods. Not very fast, mind you. There wasn't really much point, seeing as they weren't really heading anywhere in particular. They turned a corner…no, wait, the insides on woods don't have corners…they went 'round a few trees and spotted a small girl on the ground. Legolas approached and gently said "Hi. Are you lost?"

At that the small girl turned round. Only she wasn't a small girl, she was a huge fire breathing…thing.

"Ha ha ha ha ha, stupid little elf! Falling into such an obvious trap! You shall both soon die!"

And with that the fire breathing thing disappeared.

"That didn't sound too good."

"Nope."

"So I guess we have to go after it, then?"

Me: No, I expect you to sit around thinking about pie for the next half an hour!

"Bye bye, pie"

Me: I _warned_ you about that Legolas!

So the two heroes of our story set off looking pretty, erm, heroic. Ok, so they set off in the wrong direction, but nobody's perfect. Not even our gorgeous little elf. Which is surprising really.  Anyway, there they were walking along in the wrong direction. Until they read this last paragraph, that is.  Then they turned around and went in the right direction.

Eventually they came across, er, let's say a really big rabbit hole that had smoke coming out of it. Seeing as rabbits can't light fires (as far as we know, anyway) they came to the conclusion that it must be the fire breathing thing's secret lair.

"Well, it's not very secret, is it? I mean, there's a load of smoke coming out. Pretty obvious, really."

Ok, now that the smart-alec elf has pointed that out…they came to the conclusion that it must be the fire breathing thing's lair. That better now?

"Much better."

Thank you. Now there was just the small matter of deciding who would go down the hole first.

"I'm the King of Gondor; I can't go down a rabbit hole!"

"Well _I'm_ Prince of Mirkwood, but one of us has to!"

"Not me!"

"Me neither!"

Me: Oh for God's sake, one of you has to! You're the only characters in the fanfic!

"Not true, there's the fire breathing thing!" the former ranger annoyingly pointed out.

Me: He's already down there! Besides, he's the baddy!

"Oh, yeah. But I'm still not going first."

Me: For the love of…that's it, Aragorn, get your kingly ass down there right now!

"But…"

Me: _Aragorn!_

Review replies from me....

Banana Gurl! - Thanks! It's nice to know there are fellow weirdoes out there...

Rebecca - I will be writing more. And, hopefully, it will stay funny.

The Brite One - Aww, thanks :) Doesn't matter bout the name. Thought that counts and all that, lol.

c-marabini – Thanks for your review! I most definitely am carrying on with it!

Aragorn replies....

The Brite One - I don't know why I'm running around in unnamed woods with Legolas. The author has failed to explain. I know I should be away running the kingdom. But they gave me a wonderful invention called a phone when I agreed to do fanfics, so I can call home whenever I want. YES I'M KIDNAPPED, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!! Only joking. Hahaha.

Legolas replies...

The Brite One - Yes, I get that a lot. Now so many people recognize me I have to wear a bag on my head if I go out in public. It does my hair no good at all.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N – I'd just like to apologise for some atrocious spelling last chapter. I'll try and make up for it by proof-reading this one a few hundred times.

_Disclaimer: See the first chapter. And if you already have...look at it again._

Legolas rolled his eyes, before giving his companion an almighty shove that sent him headfirst down the hole.

Me: You too, Legolas.

"I'm his back-up"

Me: Then you can be his back-up from down the hole.

Muttering in an annoyed way to himself, the elf got down on his hands and knees and crawled into the hole behind Aragorn.

"Shut up, Legolas, it'll hear us."

"Of course it won't, I'm an el-"

"What the hell are you doing down my hole?!"

"Errr…looking at the view!"

"Oh yes, _very_ believable Legolas!"

"Well it's hard to think of any good excuses when you're halfway down a rabbit hole!"

"That's your excuse for everything!"

Me: Look, I haven't got all day, would you please just carry on down the hole?

So Aragorn and Leggy continued down the rabbit hole. Which was a lot hotter than regular rabbit holes. Not that I actually know what the average temperature of a rabbit hole is. But of course, this isn't actually a rabbit hole 'cause rabbits don't live down it.

Anyway, eventually Legolas and Aragorn crawled out into a huge underground cavern, in the middle of which sat the fire breathing thing. They approached it cautiously. Aragorn was the first to speak.

"We found your lair"

"Strangely enough, I noticed."

"What are you, anyway?" Legolas put in.

"I am…the fire breathing thing!"

"Alright then…you think we can just kill you and get this fanfic over and done with?"

Me: Hey, you don't actually think that by killing the fire breathing thing you can end the fanfic do you?

"Well, maybe…"

Me: Nope.

"That's not fair!"

Me: Tough. Now get on with trying to intimidate it. 

"Hey, you big…monstery…thing! You don't scare me! You have hair like a girl!"

The fire breathing thing raised one eyebrow. "Look who's talking."

"Aragorn, he's being mean to me!"

"What do you expect, he's the _baddie_. There's a clue to what he's like in the name!"

"Still doesn't give him the right to be nasty."

"Well, yeah, it really does."

After a very long pause………"shut up"

Me: Oh god, not again…

Review replies from me...

The Brite One - You're becoming my most regular reviewer! (Checks all reviews) Wait! You already are my most regular reviewer! Well done!

c-marabini - Legolas definitely is the cutest :D He was very happy to read that. Only problem is, he keeps boasting about it to Aragorn. He's heading for a knuckle sandwich if you ask me..."YEOW!!!" Yup, I was right.

Aragorn replies...

The Brite One - Thank you, and what a brilliant idea! I recommend you get one of these "phones", they're really very useful!

Legolas replies...

The Brite One - Thank you so much for your concern about my hair. It's much appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: You should know where to find it by now._

As by now Legolas and Aragorn's arguments have become pretty formulaic (insult + comeback + another insult + disagreement over insult = author getting mad and splitting fight up) we'll skip straight to the making up.

"Sorry Legs."

"S'alright Arry."

I should do that more often. Anyway, the fire breathing thing was getting pretty fed up of our two heroines…I mean, heroes. After all, he couldn't skip to the end of their fight. 

"I'll give you three seconds to get out of my lair."

Thankfully, they were smart enough to realise that no way could they take on an angry fire breathing thing with no weapons of any sort, and did the sensible thing. Ran.

They'd just got to the end of the tunnel when the fire breathing thing sent a spout of flame up it, which missed Legolas by a centimetre.

"Wow, that tunnel's grown. When we went down, all we could do was crawl, but just now we were able to run at full height up it!"

"…where's your hairnet gone, Legolas?"

"Oh, that? It disappeared shortly after we met."

"Maybe the Orcs took it."

"Maybe. I guess we'll never know."

Me: It's in your pocket Legolas. You took it off because you were afraid of looking like a girl.

"Oh. Right."

"Didn't really help." Aragorn sniggered.

Me: Shurrup Aragorn.

"Ok, sorry. We need a plan."

"Why?"

"So we can kill the fire breathing thing."

"Do we have to?"

"Err…well, I guess we could just put out the fire or something."

"I like the sound of that better."

"Ok, we'll just put out the fire. Erm, how?"

As if by magic, a fire extinguisher appeared hanging off the nearest tree.

"That's handy."

"Nope, it's a fire extinguisher."

On close inspection Aragorn discovered that it was, indeed a fire extinguisher.

"Wow!"

Legolas picked up the fire extinguisher and they headed down the hole, which had miraculously become smaller again.

"Why is it small again? We have to crawl now!"

Me: It only grew because you had 3 seconds to get out of it. Now it's small because you're not in such a hurry.

"Oh. That's not fair."

Me: Life isn't fair, my dear elf.

"And don't I know it.

Review Replies from me...

The Brite One - Leggs is getting picked on a bit, isn't he? Hmm, I should probably do something about that. Actually I won't, it's too funny to be gotten rid of.

True-To-Blue - Thanks! Sure, take the line. Aragorn is very pleased to hear you like him best. But Arwen is a bit worried. I think it was the thing about killing her. But I could be wrong.

Chibi Lauryn - Lol, I like the fire breathing thing too. And he's really useful when you have a load of candles to light.

c-marabini - Bad ff.net! Ah well, the most important this is that you found out in the end. Leggy's taken your advice about showing off a little too seriously; he keeps back flipping across the room.

Aragorn replies...

The Brite One - What would be the point in using my number? You'd only be able to speak to me. Do you really have your own phone too?

Legolas replies...

The Brite One - I hate that fire breathing thing. It has no respect at all for an elf. Do I detect a hint of sarcasm about my hair? Yes, you did mention I'm hot. Several times. But feel free to go on mentioning it.


	6. Chapter 6

_Disclaimer: Wibble._

Suddenly, the hole grew so that they could stand up once more.

  
"That was just a plot device because you couldn't think of an answer to my last line, wasn't it?"

Me: Yes. Now hurry up.

Legolas and Aragorn broke into a jog, Legolas wielding the fire extinguisher. After about ten minutes, they came out once more into the cavern.

"That tunnel seemed longer than before." 

Me: Yeah well, I was enjoying watching you. You looked so funny holding that fire extinguisher in the air.

"You're back" The fire breathing thing growled.

"Yup, pretty much" replied Aragorn. "And we're going to put out your fire with Legolas' fire extinguisher, ok?"

"I won't let you. You're not strong enough to beat me!"

Legolas sprang forward (leaving his fire extinguisher on the ground) and beat up the fire breathing thing. Not too badly though, 'cause he felt kinda dory for it. He tied it up with some very handy rope which he happened to find in his pocket.

"Ha ha, beat you!"

"Now what, Legs?"

"Er…I guess we interrogate him. So, is fire breathing thing your real name?"

"No."

"What is it then?"

"Ernie."

"_Ernie?_ The why did you call yourself the fire breathing thing?"

"You try being a baddy with a name like Ernie."

"I don't see anything wrong with the name Ernie" put in Aragorn.

"Yeah, but it's hardly a classic bad guy name, is it?"

"So why did you become a bad guy?"

"It was that or be a postman. Bad guys get paid better."

"Oh. Well, for the sake of the plot we have to put your fire out. And you could be a singing postman."

With that, Legolas grabbed the fire extinguisher and squirted it down the fire breathing…Ernie's throat.

After a few seconds, Ernie got up and went away to become a singing postman, just as Legolas had promised.

"Ok, we got rid of the bad guy, can we go home now?"

Me: I'll think about it. 

"Pleeeease?" The chorused. 

Me: Ok, ok you can go home next chapter.

"Woohoo!"

Me: Calm down. 

"Can we at least come out of this cavern?"

Me: Yeah, sure.

The walked up the now much shorter tunnel, and came out once more into the wood. The sun was shining; the birds were singing etc, etc. Aragorn and Legolas pranced merrily through the trees, until they realised that they looked strange, and it was to hot to prance anyway.

Me: I can cool it down a bit if you like.

"If you would."

Immediately the temperature dropped a few degrees.

"Thanks."

Review replies from me...

c-marabini - I know, I feel kinda sorry for the fire breathing thing. And, in a way, kind of responsible.

Dreamality - First of all, love the new name. Thank you :D Of course rabbit holes change sizes and things just appear out of nowhere, this is fanfic land!

Riddle-Child - Funny thing is, I never even thought of setting Legs' hair alight, but you're right. WAY too good to waste.

Aragorn replies...

Dreamality - Me too!

Legolas replies...

c-maribini - Thank you for saying I'll never look like a girl. Some people seem to disagree *kicks Aragorn*

Dreamality - Ah, so you have the same problems as me? I sympathise with you.

Riddle-Child - I always pack a comb or two (in case I lose the first one) and if I still can't untangle my hair, I put my hood up.


	7. Chapter 7 The Last One

_Disclaimer: If you've reached the last chapter and don't know what it is yet, shame on you. _

"So, can we go home now then?" Asked the elf.

Me: I still have one whole chapter to write, you can't go right at the beginning of it!

"But…"

Just then, a large crow swooped down on the two, forcing them to set off once more at a run. And screaming. Naturally.

"AAAAARGH!"

"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!"

"Legolas, why are _you_ screaming? You live in Mirkwood! You must have loads of crows!"

"And? Besides, _you're_ the King, why are you scared of a bird?"

"I'm not."

"So why are you running?"

"I don't know. So you don't run off in terror and leave me by myself."

"But I'm not scared either."

They stopped, and looked around rather self consciously to check that nobody had seen that. Which was rather stupid, seeing as they were in a fanfic and everybody reading it could see them. Somehow or other, they failed to remember this fact and began walking slowly again, as if nothing had happened.

"Which it hasn't!"

Me: Yeah yeah, whatever elf.

"I'm Aragorn!"

Me: Oh, right, sorry. Elf sounds better than king though. At least in that sentence.

"Does not."

Me: Yes it does, now let me get on with the story.

So, anyway, there were Aragorn and Legolas walking along as if nothing had happened when something fell on Legolas' head.

"Ow!"

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah, it was just an acorn."

"But there aren't any oak trees here."

"OH MY GOD THERE'S AN INVISIBLE OR GHOSTLY OAK TREE AND IT'S THROWING ACORNS AT ME!"

"Er, no, it was that squirrel, over there."

The squirrel grinned evilly, and ran away up a tree.

"We don't have to fight that now, do we?"

Me: No, it was just an incidental squirrel.

"Are we close to the end of the chapter yet?"

Me: Yup. I guess I can let you guys go home now.

"YES!!!"

Me: Don't you have something you want to say first?

They both cleared their respective throats and then said in perfect unison:

"Thank you very much to all our reviewers, especially Dreamality who has reviewed every single chapter."

"Without you guys, this fanfic would have been even less bearable" Legolas put in.

"I dunno, I kinda enjoyed it…"

Legolas shot Aragorn a bemused look, before turning to the spot in the sky that the author inhabits.

"Can we go now?"

Me: Yeah, sure, whatever. Bye. 

And with that, they both disappeared from the unnamed wood, back to wherever they had been before. 

The end.

Review replies from me...

c-marabini - Mighty authoress? Moi? You flatter me  :D lol. Yeah, Ernie's very happy as a singing postman now.

Uineniel - Glad you're enjoying it. Legolas couldn't go down the rabbit hole because...erm...he just couldn't. Lol. Well, Legs say's he only carries a comb or two but he could always be fibbing...

Dreamality - Thanks for saying that was the best chapter yet! I expect one of the reasons for Ernie's honesty was that he was a fire extinguisher pointing at him. I know, I'm gonna miss writing this too. I'm saying nothing at this point, but a sequel may be on its way.

Chibi Lauryn - I'm just pleased that you do review :)

Aragorn replies...

Dreamality - I was standing close to the fire extinguisher and waiting for my moment. Unfortunately, it never came.

Legolas replies...

c-marabini - Yes, it was very good how I beat Ernie and brought him over to the side of good, wasn't it? Oh, no,

Aragorn, not the hair!...

Dreamality - Thank you, my dear Dreamality. I can't wait to go home. Maybe you can come and visit me sometime?


End file.
